Tattered Branches Aren't A Reason to Say No

And I want to be drunk and held by someone right now.

I don’t want complications, unnecessary attachments, or any drama. I want this. Beer and the guys and my best friend. And should kisses occur, it won’t matter. Just beneficial friendships.

Nothing ever lasts.

And then you had to go and kiss me. And I had to let you. Because I was drunk and at first I thought I wanted to be kissed. But it went too far. And now I feel I’ve screwed this up; the simplicity of hanging out with the guys and not having that sexual tension. I don’t need this. I just need friends. Unconditional friends. Not beneficial friends.

And I’ll move on to such bigger things. And I’ll be happy. But I must admit, I’ll miss all this. I don’t talk too much about my souther side, but I know it’s part of my roots. And the southern girl in me will miss the country suburbs. I’ll miss sitting around bonfires with my friends, drinking, and singing to the acoustic guitar. I’ll miss the simplicity of it all. And I’ll always come back here to reconnect with that.

If I can simply be content being one of the guys my life will be better. Boys will always fall in love with my best friend and not acknowledge me. I will always need my best friend. So they only way to make it work is stop wanting to be with any boy. I don’t require their attention or affection. I just have to work really hard to not be jealous.

My mind gets confused and in my sleep, it turns around, trembling so, and creates these realistic scenarios where I wake up wondering what the hell I did last night. But then nothing, I do nothing and my brain can’t understand why. I wake up so disoriented just as I do on nights where I do drink. But it’s worse, because I can’t understand anything. There’s no evidence. There’s nobody lying next to me, no bottles or cans scattered around the room, no colored wristband. There’s just me in my horrified sober state. My brain doesn’t do sober well. But damn, how I’d love to be sober. Though, I will say my past two nights have not been bad at all. They’ve been lovely. With the exception of my horrible insecurity, but that doesn’t go away anymore.